The urge to test

My heart is pounding, I’m stupid.
Why do I do this to myself? 

I can’t help it. I received my shopping and there it was.
Big bold letters on the  packaging show ‘pregnancy test‘.
Why do they make it that big?!
Doesn’t matter which way you put it in your trolley, up or down, the bold letters always stand out.
I avoid the loud colours one, seriously…
As if anyone wants to shout out ‘I’VE GOT A PREGNANCY TEST’ in the midst of a busy shop were gossip happy Stacy, who knows your mothers friend Elaine, walks right passed you the moment you grab it of the shelve.
Things like that go round like a wildfire, before you know it you’ll be pregnant with triplets.

 

I have butterflies in my stomach, it’s seven days before the wicked witch is suppose to visit, I am stupid. 

 

I have the urge to pee, I always do when there is a stick in my house.
I can’t help it.
I know it is too early, but it’s a compulsion, I have to pee.
I know it will be negative but I will still feel disappointed.
It doesn’t matter how bad the timing is or if it’s better to wait and not to be, I always feel lost and sad to read a negative result.

Why do I do it? Why do I set myself up for disappointment?
Since the deed happened that could possibly have made me with child I have not stopped. Every little twinge made me wonder, the cramping, the discharge, the slightest difference in breasts.

I’m bursting, I’ve been holding it for a while now.
I charmingly pee in a plastic party cup, so much for being an ecomum today.
I stir, for 10 seconds and stare.
There is the line that the test works..
Ok.. I’m scared.
I lay the test down and turn my back to write this.
Two minutes have past, it’s time to look.

Nothing.. 

I squint and hold the test at different angles. The shadow of the window portrays a line, my heart jumps, but it disappears as I change the angle.

I hold it in the light, nothing.

I hold it from the light, nothing.

I take pictures, perhaps it will show then..

I think I’m starting to see something, perhaps I’ve been looking for too long..

So I take it apart. I take the stick containing my pee apart.. I will get it on my fingers but that’s why we got antibacterial soap..

I can see the line where the pink dye is supposed to stick when it’s positive.
Pink dye is great, it rarely leaks.
Blue dye sucks, it leaks often and has given me a false negative before.

It’s negative, there is no denial.

This is why I bought a double pack, I won’t test for another 4 days. Even then it’s early.

But I can’t help it..